I was going to write this from the perspective of what I have called myself all these years -- a rape survivor -- but today, I'm not really feeling it. I agonised all day, and stopped myself from reaching for the bourbon tonight, as it's bound to get me into allsorts. Psychobabble aside, I am still raw, and blogging is a coping mechanism. This post is going to contain direct excerpts from my 16-page formal statement with the police on the tenth of april, 2001, and from a 3-page formal addendum statement on the second of june, 2001.
I do not need sympathy. There's absolutely nothing anybody can say to make me feel a certain way, because I have mixed feelings about it, myself. Aside from the self-loathing that comes part and parcel of having been raped, I can't help but be thankful that I made the choices I did after the fact. I could've gone a totally different way, since I had nothing to lose.
It's a bittersweet day, to say the least. It's going to get rough from here on in. First and foremost, I write this for myself. I don't care what people think about me after this, it is my cross to bear.
Please forgive me if I don't respond to messages today, you'll understand, I'm sure.
Note: My relationship with K was brief, but extremely volatile. He insisted on unprotected sex, even though I wasn't on any contraception. He was jealous and paranoid. He was a drug user, and just a real dropkick. Hindsight has a way of really rubbing it in... I was 16, he was 27. I had stopped having consensual sex with K half a month before the rape. I had made it very clear that the relationship was over -- I called him that night to tell him straight out that we were done, and that I wanted all my stuff from his house. I had met somebody new, C, and K was angry -- I thought we could end it calmly, but obviously, it didn't happen like that. I got to K's house at 7.30pm, and it was over by 11pm.
According to Australian law, digital (hand/fingers/fist) rape is a separate count altogether. Initially, K was charged on thirteen separate counts, including deprivation of liberty, 3 x digital rape, 1 x rape, stalking, break and enter, aggravated assault, etc, etc. He had a damned fine (read - evil) lawyer, who'd boiled it down to 1 x rape. K served 15mo good behaviour, with a 4 1/2 year suspended sentence. I was degraded and humiliated all over again in court, my sexual preferences and sexual history brought up, K feeding a LOT of bullshit to his lawyer, some allegations so preposterous that I nearly choked in disbelief. In the end, neither my preferences, nor my history, didn't count, but the point still stands that it was mentioned publicly in the first place. Urgh.
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...then he grabbed my hair and started shaking my head, asking 'why, why, why, why??' and then he shoved me back down onto the bed. He sat on me for a bit and said, 'why did you have to do this to me? we had something good going.'
...he wanted to know C's surname and where he lived. i wouldn't tell him and he lifted his fists as if about to hit me. i raised my arms to protect myself and he said, 'don't block me - you don't want to block me.'
...K had been sitting on me during the conversation. he eventually got off and was at my left side, as i lay on the bed. K started ripping my clothes off, and told me to take off my shirt. i asked him why and he assured me that he wouldn't hurt me, just that he wanted to check for hickeys. i was holding my shirt down and he batted my hand away. he took off my skirt and pants and pushed my top up to my neck. he was looking all over me, between my legs and on my breasts, all over. he had his right hand holding my shirt and the left hand holding my legs down.
...his housemate, M, came home into the lounge and put on a movie. K turned his radio volume right up. he started crying, laying down on top of me, crying into my chest. i started crying and he stopped. he said, 'why the fuck aren't you hugging me?' i said i couldn't, with my arms up near my face, defensively. he said to me, 'we have to make love, tonight.'
for the sake of general viewing, i've decided to leave the graphic details out of this next bit. i was held down and digitally raped, twice. the first time, unlubricated. it lasted what felt like forever, but really, it lasted about 15-20 minutes.
...he unzipped his pants. i freaked, and clenched my legs together as hard as i could, as i thought he was going to rape me. he tried, unsuccessfully, to open my legs, and zipped up his pants. he got off the bed, said something about my socks, and asked calmly if i wanted a cup of coffee. i didn't know if M was going to help me, and when i went to look, he had gone upstairs to his room. K came back into the room and said, 'you haven't had a shower. come on, we'll both have a shower.' he pulled me up by the hand and threw a towel at me.
again, i'll leave the details of this next bit out. i was forced to fellate him, and i was digitally raped again. then, i was raped in the 'traditional' (bad word choice, but it's all i could come up with for now, sorry) sense. on several occasions during this particular encounter, i had begged him to stop, to which he replied, 'look what you made me do. i didn't want it to come to this.' he pulled my hair back and made me watch him rape me. he ejaculated on my back and slapped his penis on me. then he said, 'why do you look so sad? don't forget who the real victim in this is.' we hopped in the shower, and with my back to him, he told me not to turn around. he then urinated on me and spat on my back. he said, 'go on, get angry. i must be such a bastard for doing this.' and after that, he said, 'i won't pick my nose and wipe it on you, that's just not nice.'
...M was back in the loungeroom when i ran down. i said, 'M, please don't leave, i know i am going to get hurt if you leave this room.' he nodded and kept watching his movie.
...K asked what was going to happen to 'us.' i said there was no more 'us.' he asked if i wanted to be friends. terrified, i replied, 'of course i want to be friends.' he asked if we could be friends who had occasional sex. i said, 'no way.'
...as K's other housemate, John, got home, i grabbed as much of my stuff as i could. K asked what i was doing and i told him i wanted to call my housemate, Joe. i had earlier written J's number on my hand, in the case that i lost my phone. K had thrown my phone shortly after i arrived. he walked out to the balcony, where it was dark, and called me out. i said no. he came in, took my bag, and threw it over the balcony. he then said i was free to call Joe, and to sit with him in the foyer to talk. i told him i didn't want to be alone with him, and he said, again, that i could not call Joe, that i was spending the night with him.
...as i walked to the phone and picked it up, he grabbed it out of my hand and unplugged the handset from the console. he pushed me to the ground, sat on me, and said, 'this isn't love in my eyes anymore, this is hate. meeting someone new is a bitch thing to do, but not giving us another chance is a cunt thing to do.' he insulted me in similar ways for the next ten minutes, then finally let me call Joe. it was about 10pm.
...he told me to get out of his house, i left through the kitchen exit and i screamed at the top of my lungs for help. he grabbed my hair, spat in my face, and yelled, 'cunt!' i ran down the stairs, and he chased me, pushing me every time he caught up, saying things like, 'why did you do this to me? look what you turned me into.'
...crying, i ran to my bag. he was on the ground, crying. he got up and hugged me, saying, 'i'm sorry for calling you those names and doing those things. i'm sorry i spat in your face, but i wanted you to see how angry you made me.'
...he hugged me, i didn't hug him back. he said i made him bitter and angry. he tried to kiss me, but i kept my mouth shut. he pulled back and said, 'cunt.'
...when Joe picked me up, i was hysterical. i'd only known him for two months and was embarrassed. i told him about the urinating, spitting, and insults, but only called it 'attempted rape' on K's bed. i didn't tell him about the bathroom. we got home at about 11pm, and i started packing immediately, as K knew the address.
fast forward to 10/04/01, the day i gave my statement.
...yesterday, K rang work at 4.50pm and pretended to be C. he said he was sorry for 'the bathroom bit.' he went on about wanting to see me alone, and that i had reduced him to tears. i hung up on him.
at 5.30pm that day, K came in to my workplace, and tried to attack C with scissors, who'd come to walk me home. fast forward to 02/06/01, my addendum statement.
...when i arrived home from giving my formal statement on 10/04/01, i spoke briefly with my housemate, S, before going into my room with C, who'd come with me to make sure i was ok. someone had written a message in red pen across my sheets, stabbed and slashed my bed with scissors, and trashed my room. i gave a statement to a uniformed police officer shortly afterwards, quite visibly shaken. K had stolen some of my mail and some of C's belongings, which he'd left at my place.
...the following day, 11/04/01, i attended xxxxx CIB at 1.40pm. i spoke to K over the phone, and Detective xxxxxxx was recording it. i controlled the phonecall and conversation. neither Detective xxxxxx or any other officers told me what i was to talk about, nor did they give me any questions to ask.
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K had disappeared from the night of the attack at my workplace, until the day i gave my addendum statement. i moved in with C to a sharehouse in another suburb, and while kept up-to-date by the police, i was living in absolute fear for my safety. during that time, i was advised that it would've been best to run a full STD screen, as K had tested positive to 'some tests,' but the woman advising me couldn't tell me which, as they were confidential patient results. i waited weeks for my STD screen, assuming i'd caught HIV, as i had seen K use drugs intravenously.
if you've made it this far, thank you.
