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> April 2005 > May 2005 > June 2005 > July 2005 > August 2005 > September 2005 > October 2005 > November 2005 > December 2005 > January 2006 > March 2006 Previous Posts> DSOC 211005> Things I do, just because 201005 > Decade 171005 > Team Awesome - Part 2 141005 > Meme tide you over 131005 > Team Awesome - Part 1 061005 > Those Ikeans can suck my left nut 280905 > She 260905 > Douching and YOU 240905 > Gone fishin' 180905
AdageAll that rot
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What. The. Fuck. 261005Having returned to my regularly scheduled program, I decided to make a bigger effort with my sleeping pattern. On quiet nights, I have been trying to force a kip between 10pm and 11pm in the hopes of waking up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning, and trying to cut out lunchtime naps when the little one is asleep. I thought it would be a chance for my brain to rest, but after the last couple nights, I'm not so sure.
I haven't had a pavlova in years, so when dad said he'd make one, I was stoked. He decided he'd mix it with spongecake, and I argued with him about whether or not that made it some sort of pseudo-trifle. He cracked the shits and refused to monitor the oven. Shrugging, I picked Charlotte up and carried her to bed. She wasn't sleepy, so I put her down, pulled four AA batteries out of one of her toys and put them in her battery pack, located in her lower back. Her cot was full of little toy trolls, and I put them in my pocket so they wouldn't bite her in her sleep. Giving her a kiss and a cuddle, she went to sleep as soon as her head hit her pillow. I shut the door quietly, snuck into the bathroom, and flushed the trolls. Back in the loungeroom, I told my father to rot in hell for not making me my bloody pav. I was going out, I told him, and he was to stay and make sure that Charlotte slept soundly. He agreed, and went on to watch his stories. Walking out of my kabana, there were women swimming and wading in the most enormous pool I've ever seen. They were all topless, but none of them had nipples. I looked down, and I didn't have nipples, either. I walked past this brunette woman who gave me a dirty look with complimentary scowl. She had one normal eye and the other was hollow. I wondered if nipples were a figment of my overactive imagination, and walked on. All of a sudden, I was in some swish nightclub wearing jeans and a short, black, lycra/spandex dress that made me look like a Ninja Michelin man. It was uncomfortable, and I asked mates Sarah and Amy if they could check if anything was out of sorts, as I had felt like I had just copped a roundhouse kick to the lower back. Just as they had suspected, they told me that I was the newest member in Assback -- all the birds were doing it these days. Assback is when you have little bumcheeks on your lower back, a replacement for those tacky lower back tattooes that were all the rage a little while ago. Apparently, all they guys thought it was hot, and the more you had, the hotter you were. I had five, which seemed to be the going rate in Sydney's social circles. Horrified, I said I didn't want them. I was told that I couldn't get rid of them, to just put up and shut up. I needed to be sick. I didn't know where one toilet ended and one began, since all the toilet doors were mirrored and everyone was walking in and out of every available door/wall. I grabbed one that looked free, and ran in. Bad move, since I had opened the door the wrong way -- it had snapped back and smacked me so hard in the face that I heard my nose and my cheeks shatter. Sitting down, I saw a little girl's pair of socks and jeans lying on the ground, and I was overcome with grief. She had died, whoever she was, and her only legacy were these piss-soaked clothes. My toilet shook to the thunderous knocking of a very angry Asian woman, who demanded that I return her clothes. I was taking a dump (TMI? Hey, I thought I was in the dunny to be sick!), so I told her to shut the fuck up and wait like a normal person. Picking up the clothes, a massive diamond fell out of the little girl's jean pocket. Tucking it back in, I opened the door to a hail of abuse from this woman who demanded to know what the hell I did with her diamonds. She scremed at me for a few more minutes, until I snapped it. I told her I was honest and hard-working, and that she can take her filthy diamonds and shove it, and that NOBODY speaks to me like that. The ruckus had died down, and I sat back on the toilet seat. Looking directly in front of me, the mirror had turned into perspex, and I could see whoever was in the toilet next to me. Paranoid that they could see me with my pants around my ankles, I tore a square of toilet paper and placed it modestly on top of my girlbits. She was some reality-show celebrity who'd clocked her fifteen minutes of fame and was scraping for more. Blonde hair, blue eyes, she was making an appearance at the club tonight, she was snorting a few lines in the toilet before she headed out. She was flanked by brainless musclemen who, when she left the toilets, moved like royal uniformed guards, complete with 'Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!' All of a sudden, a man in white leather pants floats into my cubicle and sits on a chair next to my toilet seat, saying nothing. I could see people walking around outside, and watched a gay man skip through. He was fawning over the decor, and spotted whiteleatherpantsman through the doors. Squealing, he pulled his pants down, reversed into my cubicle, rubbed his arsecheeks on whiteleatherpantsman, then skipped out of the cubicle and back out into the nightclub. His pants were still down when he left my field of vision. Walking out of my cubicle, I found Sarah and Amy just where I'd left them, preening in front of a mirror at the sinks. I told them that the Ninja Michelin look wasn't for me, and they pulled out all these clothes for me to wear. I chose a backless white cheesecloth dress for a bohemian look, with a multicoloured polka-dot skirt underneath, with another multicoloured skirt underneath that. The cheesecloth dress was backless, and the girls debated how my Assback should sit with it. I told them I didn't want the asses hanging out of my dress, so I tucked them in and headed to the door. One-eyed wench was back, and seeing my lack of assback, she pointed and laughed. I ignored her, and walked out the door. I walked through the empty nightclub and right on home, all by myself. Arriving home, which looked exactly like the toilet cubicle I'd been sitting in for the last however long, I pulled my pants down and relaxed. I felt a trickling down my leg and realised that I was bleeding out. I watched the blood for an age, and felt myself eventually pass out. All of that happened in the span of two hours. Weird, huh? |