A grossly overweight child in orange and green garb, she was the Veruca Salt of the evening. This mini-hag shouted through the crowd, 'Look, Mama! Ali Baba! Ali Baba!'
I have never seen a little girl so excited about a kebab shop in all my life, it was absolutely surreal. And she wouldn't shut up about it! From the moment we spotted her to the moment she disappeared in the sea of bodies bustling to get home, she was shrieking for some of that Ali Baba. The weirdest thing was that we didn't see a parent or guardian in the whole time, which would suggest that she was in fact alone and just dileriously jonesing for some kebabby goodness. Misha and I looked at the girl, looked at each other, then nearly fell over each other laughing. She seriously cracked us, with Mish snorting and my needing to use the little girl's room as soon as we got in the pub.
In Misha's words, she came to us 'like a Leprachaun or something.' I thought more Oompah-Loompah-slash-Veruca-Salt. Still, it was fucking GOLD.
Walking into the 3 Wise Monkeys at 8.15pm, we thought we'd take it easy and down one to allay the nerves, and have a little chat of 'what ifs' in store for the evening. What if Stephen/Ettish was a total freako nutbag who was looking to expand his flesh-sailed boat? What if Asa was horrible company? What if we couldn't find each other? Does he know what we look like? Do we know what he really looks like? What if everything we ever knew about him was a complete lie?
The Innernets throws any certainty you may have about someone right up in the air when you choose to make it real. I mean honestly, how easy is it to lie to someone when they're so and so far away from you? How easy is it to take liberties when describing the more menial aspects of your life? Whether it works to our benefit or not, Mish and I are pretty damned honest when it comes to profiles online, so he had nothing to worry about.
We hadn't really thought of a getaway plan at 8.25pm, so thought to get another drink and make quick work of it. Heading out shortly after the designated meeting time of 8.30pm, we stepped outside the doors to find ourselves face-to-face with someone who looked a lot like Ettish, but he was alone and looked very much like a deer caught in the headlights when he spotted us.
'Is that him?' nudged Misha.
'I think so.' I said.
After a quick pause, I asked him if he was indeed Ettish. He said yes, and I think we amassed in a big group hug hello. I was secretly awed by his height, as he was still taller than me even though I was three steps higher...
Meeting Asa, I immediately pondered what they put in Kentucky's water system -- these guys were fucking huge. What the shit?! I felt like a Chud standing next to them, it was comical to the max.
Now I'm going to admit here that I was pretty buzzed the moment we all met up, so I don't remember chronological order and whatnot. I might also add here that I'm really fucking glad this wasn't the first and last time we all hung out, otherwise I would've had very few photos and even fewer memories.
Disclaimer: It appears that Misha and I drink quite heavily whenever we're together. Not only that, but with our powers combined, we seem to be highly susceptible to arseholiosis. I don't quite make apologies here, since I barely remember and nobody was hurt through the course of the evening. I think.
Anyway, here are the highlights:
Beardmo: I think this guy was on his own for the evening. While I was unsure as to his motive, he was very above the general age demographic for the evening, which stuck out like a cock on a woman. Avoiding the booze-buying crowd, he accidentally (?) nudged into my stool a few times. With that and his well-kept beard, he automatically had my love. He actually tried to start conversation a little later one, but I don't remember replying. I don't remember turning my back on him, either, which could've made for some awkward and very LOL-some showdown stare moments. I shudder at the thought of how much my girlbits would've been tingling if I were any more sober.
EuroJap: This guy was a human Rubik's Cube. An Asian lad in his mid-twenties, he crouched down in between our area and the booth beside us to have a chat with his mates. No harm, no foul, right? Until Misha realised that he was wearing a soccer jacket that said 'Europe' on the back, even though he was clearly Asian. Her curiosity piqued, she walked up to him politely and asked him who in Europe he went for. He curtly replied, 'Europe,' which baffled Misha enough to leave her speechless and stumbling dejected back to her stool. After a few very confused minutes, she decided to approach him again and ask him which country, specifically, he barracked for. 'Japan,' he said. That obviously rubbed Misha the wrong way, because shortly after their encounter, she jabbed him directly in the back of the head with a straw. Sensing funsical harm for the sake of funsical harm, I decided it would be best for me to ash on him repeatedly for the rest of the evening. Christ, I'm a disgrace. An even bigger disgrace was that we got absolutely no photo evidence of the chap. A hate crime, indeed.
[edit] After rehashing with Misha via MSN, it appears that I noticed EuroJap first. Not only that, but in one of my first attempts to ash in his general direction, I may have accidentally nicked him in the nape of his neck. Oop.
Handsome Rob: I came back from a trip to the little bird's room to see this Irishman hovering around our table, fag in hand. Apparently, he struck conversation after asking to use our ashtray, but ran his mouth long enough to tell us of the dangers of living in Australia. If his advice is to be taken seriously, then I'm in a lot of trouble -- I've been doing it all wrong, since I haven't lifted each and every toilet seat with a stick to check for 'fookin spoiders!' Also, he calls himself Handsome Rob because he believes that if you tell someone something enough times, they start to believe it. To be honest with you all, I didn't pay attention to him at all that night, since I really only caught the arse-end of the convo. Fookin' spoiders, the size of yer hand.
[edit] Forgot that Handsome Rob had a habit of talking in the third person. Just noticed that BourbonBird sometimes does the same in her blog.
Pukey McPuke: One trip to the bathroom had me emerging to see a very inebriated woman weaving in the centre of the bathroom. All cubicles were empty, but she decided to make use of the tiling. A blonde business-woman who'd had ten too many, she discreetly pushed her long mane to the side, pulled her drink away from her face, and puked in the bathroom walkway between all the toilets. She was quiet, and alone, which was a little unsettling.
Sadly there is no picture of her, but I think that's a good thing for all concerned. At some point through the evening, though, I stole Misha's camera and took a picture of a toilet seat that some bird had pissed ALL OVER. I don't remember that at all, but I have had previous history of documenting weirdness like that whilst on the sauce.
(Asa, BourbonBird, Misha)
(Asa and Ettish being American tarts)
(BourbonBird and Misha looking for naked men and women on a pack of Camels)
(Ettish being supermegatall next to BourbonBird)
(SuperhappyMish)
(BourbonBird with her hand glued to her head)Asa was definitely a surprise package. Being the eternal pessimist, I was expecting Danny DeVito with the personality of a pubic hair when the time came to meet Stephen's best mate. While we knew next to nothing about him, Stephen was pretty dead on -- they're nearly the same height (I think Stephen's 6'4" and Asa's 6'2"?), they've both got the same sense of humour, and Asa had the gift of the gab while Stephen was a little more subdued -- it was inevitable that I was to spend the better half of the evening chatting with Asa about anything and everything, while Mish and Ettish hung out. By the end of it,we were all thick as thieves, so it all panned out.
While the finer details are hazy, Mish and I had a wonderful evening with the lads. They were easygoing, polite, and total gentlemen from go to whoa, and absolutely brilliant company. A bucket of laughs and heavy drinkers to boot, we stuffed ourselves with Hungry Jack's and sadly called it a night.
Alone in the cab ride home, I woke up to the cabbie gently nudging me on the knee.
'Ma'am? We are in Ryde, what is your address?'
'Bah. Just take me home.'
The poor guy stopped by the road and waited patiently while I ruffled through my wallet and remembered where I lived. The gem also got me home in record time, I tipped him heavily and stumbled into my unit, running shin first into my half-built bookshelf on the way in.
Misha and I had seriously thought that that was going to be the first and last time we'd get to see those boys, but they were such great company that we resolved to do it again very soon...
