Kudos on the playlist, but I still think Geldof's a self-righteous cunt. 'Sir' my fucking arse.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to save Uzbekistan through my non-profit interpretive dance routine. I'll get all the famous designers to give me a giftbag worth thousands rather than a donation to the starving nation I'm dancing for, and I'll change all the names of places in lyrics I've covered to 'Uzbekistan.'

To ease my corrupt and somewhat skewed conscience even further, I will wear a leotard strategically cut in the shape of an 8, to symbolise that my target audience is the Church of Scientology, who hold infinite wisdom. I'll marry someone double my age for five years with a promise to pay him a squillion dollars for his troubles, then I'll go on Oprah, alternating between jumping on furniture and dropping to my knees, declaring my unrequited love of the poor starving lepers in Uzbekistan, dragging a pimply pre-teen out of the green room without her make-up on, just because I love that little bastard so much. I think her name's Biljiana, I'm not too sure. She doesn't speak much English, which really shits me, since I went to the trouble of mastering The Worm for the sake of her Motherland.

Twenty years from now, I'll find another nation to patronise through some flimsy gimmick under the ruse of human kindness. I'm sure there are other countries out there that aren't aware that it's Christmastime in December. Then I'll shake my head in dismay over their infertile lands and then tell them that's their punishment for not knowing anything about psychiatry. I really hate ignorance, you know.

Remember: Feed your children.

Ever get the feeling that the world is going to shit? That it's way beyond the normal realms of general comprehension?

I'm feeling a bit like that today.